What’s your goal coming out from here?
What would you want us to help you?
I always got confused answering these kinds of questions.
Because I have no idea what I want, or what kind of help I need.
All I know, is that, I am the only one who can help myself.

A few more days,
made me wonder,
what if,
why did you,
how could she…

Ventilators, Nurses, Doctors,
recalled my memory,
a painful ones,
one that I am scared of repeating.

When I was packing up for Beijing in Singapore,
I was distracted by the stacked pictures I took in Singapore.
Those photographs bring back memories,
the sweetness and sourness, and also the bitterness of our past.

That night, I took out that particular yellow photo album,
It was painful to flip the page,
but it was even more painful to recall those memories.
They also remind me of being in that room, or similar room.

Time passes,
Day by day, I involuntarily lose those little bits of memories,
Those pictures, will always remind me of how much all of us has been through.

In a couple of weeks, it will be 9 years since we met,
Though related in many ways, you are so far away,
Others might have forgotten you,
but I will not.

“We try to grab pieces of our lives as they speed past us.
Photographs freeze those pieces and help us remember how we were.
We don’t know these lost people but if you look around,
you’ll find someone just like them” – Gene McSweeney

For the past week,
Flying is the only thing that has been hovering in my mind.

I feel like a failure,
I was the one who made my decision,
and here I am, not being able to bear the pressure here,
emotionally, and maybe physically.

I may be running away from my own problems and feeling,
but I am sure that I will handle this in my very own way.
and maybe being away from problems for a while,
may help me psychologically, and physically.

For now,
Let me bear with the pain,
as it will go away, soon, for sure.

I need to get out,
I need to fly out,
from this crowded and populated country,
and from this polluted capital city.
+ from this disturbing feeling.

Life is a Joke,
I was the one who made my the decision,
in the end, I will be the one who will give up.

Let’s just say,
I will not waste my time,
I am trying to not waste my dad’s money for nothing.
and I HAVE to face the reality.

China,
a country that is populated with 1.38 Billion,
where some laws practiced in reverse from most countries in the world.

If only 10% of the population are helpful (and useful, bluntly speaking),
but so far, none was found,
not even in the police station or in the foreign department for foreign students.

What disgust me most are those who work in the police department,
who viewed themselves as "the justice or the law" but are just iniquitous.

Remember "Officer": being able to speak a little Chinese does not mean that I understand you completely.
Being an INTERNATIONAL STUDENT does not mean that I understand all the procedures in CHINA!

If only the people practice to follow some of the law,
if only pedestrian’s way of right is superior than vehicle’s (especially cars and buses)
I’m very sure China’s image will improve,
at least in my point of view.

I hope my point of view of China will change, for better or worse, before I go Home.
Yes, Home, as I am returning earlier than I have planned.

I need an Antidote, for this life.
I cannot escape from the mocking and the curse from the people.
I can and should only accept them,
regardless if I deserve them or not.
My life can be ruined, it can be cursed,
But in the future, I will be stronger,
I want to be stronger,
Because I am the unlucky ones,
I am the cursed,
for that I am made,
By who have made me.

I miss the days,

the mini celebration,

the laughter,

and the atmosphere that very day.

I had a nightmare,
It was similar to the ones I had back in college.
But the difference is that no one made fun of me,
But simply, ignored me.

Unlike this tree,
I was not supported.
I was in pain, an excruciating pain,
Just because of a simple fall.

I am not sure if I want to be supported,
Because it would mean that I will be a burden.
But I am hoping,
That I would not fall,

That I will not be vulnerable

Nan Pu Tuo, originally uploaded by ♪ Раиса ♫.

No Burning,
I have and will have to cool down,

Seems everything will be hard,
everything,
and

I’ll survive everything,
In the end, I’ll survive them